Twelve Days of Haiku

My true love is sweet
He gave me lots of presents
Over twelve great days

My true love gave me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the first morning

Not a normal gift
But it was very thoughtful
And the pears were nice

On the second day
He gave me two turtledoves
And another tree

The doves claimed one tree
And then kicked out the partridge
It wasn’t happy

Then it was day three
And he gave me three French hens
But that wasn’t all

Two more turtledoves
And yet another partridge
With its own pear tree

My true love likes pears
That’s what he said anyway
But I have my doubts

Then came the fourth day
What do you know - ten more birds
So I bought a cage

They made lots of noise
Especially the French hens
I needed ear plugs

I think he felt guilty
So he bought me five gold rings
On day number five

They were so shiny
And they attracted the birds
I lost some of them

And there were more birds
I saw where this was going
Ten more feathered friends

I wish that were all
While my love was generous
It was a bit much

But he wasn’t done
He outdid himself again
When the sixth day dawned

Sitting in the hall
I found six geese a-laying
Their eggs were quite big

Five more rings were there
So that kind of helped a bit
Gold is always good

The cage in the yard
Was getting overcrowded
So I bought a gun

It wasn’t needed
The birds had their own turf war
Those French hens are tough

On the seventh day
I found swans in my back yard
Swimming in my pool

My true love whispered
About swans mating for life
Ain’t it romantic?

He gave me more rings
Did he rob a jewellery shop?
I don’t want to know

With the extra gifts
I now had sixty six birds
Cos three of them died

Things got even worse
On the eighth day of Christmas
I got bloody cows

There were eight bovines
Though some maids were cows as well
They were a-milking

Look on the bright side
I now had free milk and eggs
Why did I feel duped?

Yes there were more swans
And more geese and more gold rings
And more calling birds

And more damn French Hens
Not to mention turtledoves
And a lone partridge

And an eighth pear tree
I gave it to my neighbour
He thought it was great

The next day was wet
Too bad for the nine dancers
I locked them outside

It all went pear shaped
If you will pardon the pun
When I ate a cow

I love my butcher
Possibly more than my man
He made me some steak

It pissed off the maids
The dancers found it funny
There was a cat fight

It was like watching
Mud wrestling in my garden
Except twice as fun

They made quite a mess
There were buckets and feathers
Flying everywhere

Then they called a truce
Until the tenth day arrived
Along with the lords

Now the women fought
Over the lords a-leaping
Pity they were gay

Meanwhile more birds died
Even as more birds arrived
I bought more cages

It was hard to move
Without tripping over birds
And they hogged my bath

I heard the pipers
Well before they got to me
My true love’s next gift

There were eleven
But I already knew that
So predictable

The pipers were loud
I put them in the basement
Along with the hens

The thirty one cows
Were producing lots of milk
But many cow pats

I wanted my love
To fall in the smelly pats
That would be funny

Finally it stopped
On the twelfth day of Christmas
The last presents came

Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing
Eight prissy maids a-milking
Seven swans swimming

Six geese a-laying
Five giant shiny gold rings
Four loud calling birds

Three snooty French hens
Two tiny cute turtledoves
And one last partridge

One last pear tree too
The total gifts was a lot
I didn’t count them

My house was a mess
But I really didn’t care
I left them to it

Can you imagine
Well over one hundred birds
Roosting everywhere

And all those dancers
And annoying musicians
Making so much din

And now I wonder
At the things my true love thought
When he came over

You see I don’t know
I’d like to say I thanked him
But I ran away

Those rings were worth lots
They paid for my holiday
My true love was sweet
 

My Wedding Speech

When I tied the knot last month, rather than write a traditional wedding speech, I instead opted for a poem. People seemed to like it a lot, so at the request of more than one person, here's how it went:

Picture this: a beautiful sunny day, a gentle breeze in your face;
February '07 was the time; Salamanca was the place.
An establishment called Grape was where I found myself - a place for drinking wine.
There I met a wondrous lass who I thought was pretty fine.

We talked for hours on that day - the time just flew right past;
And when I left I do believe my heart was beating just a little fast.
The next time we met, we did the traditional thing: go to the movies and see
A romantic comedy at Gold Class, marred only by a rude Scottish maitre d'.

But it's the odd little moments - good or bad - that you always remember well;
Like the time Jooles claimed a rat died in her kitchen and caused an awful smell.
So bad, in fact, was the stench through her place that she had to come and stay with me;
Yet when we went back a few days later, her unit was mysteriously odour free.

And then somehow she never went back, and there went my bachelor pad;
My unit started filling up with girly things, yet somehow it wasn't so bad.
Fast forward then to Feb '09: two years since we met, Jooles and I;
And a trip on a boat on a sound in NZ, under a beautiful starry sky.

And a diamond, and a question, and a "yes", followed by a bit of a mad scramble around.
You see someone* had dropped the sparkly thing on the deck, but it was, thankfully, found.
And now she has another ring on her finger, because today she became my wife;
And, completely without hyperbole, it's the happiest day of my life.


* That would be Jooles

Chalk one up for the pedants...

Victory!


 

Tastes like quail...

This has been annoying me for months at our local Coles supermarket. My inner pedant can stand it no longer...


 

Planeting

Planet   noun   a celestial body...large enough to clear its orbit of all asteroids, comets, and other space debris.

Planet   verb   become a social outcast at a gathering.

"Boy he really planeted at the barbecue yesterday. Any time he tried to talk to people, they moved away."

q.v. Satellite   "We couldn't get rid of Violet - she just satellited all night."
 

Fizzy

Someone didn't quite remember the game was called Zombie Fluxx...

Zombie Fizz! The new drink from the makers of Groaner Cola! It has so much fizz, it brings the dead back to life!

Shamble on down to your local store and try Zombie Fizz today! It's cool to be undead!
 

Whip Me

The email discussing which horses we'd drawn in the Melbourne Cup sweep finished with "Well, between us, our 4 four horses should do something right?"

"Just as long as our four horses don't form a Pony Band quartet and stop in the main straight for an impromptu a capella session of their debut single "Whip Me"."
 

Encoded and rare

The encoded email finished with "666 7273 766624437". Using the intended decyphering technique of typing the message into a mobile phone presented the predictive, and unintended, text "non rare roomchidp"...


If you are very quiet, and watch patiently, you may be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the Rare Roomchidp.

Few people have seen the secretive creature, rumoured to have a complex camouflage allowing it to masquerade as the more widely seen Smoochies.

Often confused with the Common Roomchidp, the Rare Roomchidp is, in fact, very different from its cousin.

So uncommon is the Rare Roomchidp that the black market price can be upwards of $100,000 for just one specimen.

Adding to the mystery are the ever increasing YouTube hoax videos purporting to be footage of the Rare Roomchidp. Grainy, out of focus, or just a blatant spoof, these videos are giving the creature an almost cult like status on the internet.

Scientists remain baffled by the elusive Rare Roomchidp. What is known is that very little is known. With none ever having existed in captivity, these fascinating creatures are truly unique.
 

Outlook v Zombie Fluxx

GOAL

You've Got Corrupted Mail

You win if you have Outlook and a Caching File, plus at least one Zombie.
 

Olympic Whimsy

The first four have opened up a gap to the rest of the field.
- Rowing commentator during a five man single sculls heat.

It's time for her to throw in the towel...but she needs it right now.
- Cycling commentator Phil Liggett as an Italian rider pulls out during a very wet women's road race.

One of my strengths is just not thinking.
- Australia's freestyle swimming sprint king Eamon Sullivan.
 

When two tunes compete for space in your head...

From the team that brought you the most addictive game RPG ever devised, comes Puzzle Portal ^(TM).

It's not just a puzzle. It's not just a portal. No, it's both of those and so much more.

Featuring an innovative system where players match coloured jewels to open holes in the world around them, Puzzle Portal is the game that critics are calling "The Tetris Killer".

Featuring a rich and vibrant game world, with a breathtaking story line to match, Puzzle Portal will have you glued to your screen as you fight off sleep with "just one more hole".

Puzzle Portal will take over your life and tax your mind - Puzzle Gamer Monthly

Puzzle Portal has all the addiction of designer drugs without the needles - Free Gamers Society

Puzzle Portal truly is the Tetris Killer - Anti-Tetris League

Out now for PC, XBox360, PS3, Wii, Nintendo DS, PSP, Mobile Phones, and every other gaming device known to mankind. Buy it now. Your life will never be the same again.
 

Making (non)sense...

Goat's cheese smells like apostrophes.

The latest in pork technology

A text message meant to say "roast pork" but predictive text thought otherwise...

New from e-Butcher Deluxe comes Smart Pork ^(TM) - the pork that cooks itself!

Are you tired of slaving over a hot oven, getting your pork cooked just right?

Do you find your ordinary crackling just doesn't give you that satisfying crunch?

Then you need Smart Pork ^(TM).

Bred from piglets to be the best meal they can be, our pigs are the duxes of Porcine Academy.

With top scores in self-roasting, these hogs know just how you like them.

So forget haggling with your local butcher and wrestling with your temperamental oven. Let us do the work for you!

Just click on the "I Want Smart Pork for dinner - Yummy!" button at ebutcherdeluxe.com and in just days your Smart Pork ^(TM) pig will arrive to cook itself for your mouth watering dinner party.

And coming soon for those with a taste for variety: Smart Pork: Barbecue ^(TM), and Smart Pork: Spit ^(TM). The versatility of these pigs will astound you.

Vet bills and quarantine fees extra.