My true love is sweet
He gave me lots of presents
Over twelve great days
My true love gave me
A partridge in a pear tree
On the first morning
Not a normal gift
But it was very thoughtful
And the pears were nice
On the second day
He gave me two turtledoves
And another tree
The doves claimed one tree
And then kicked out the partridge
It wasn’t happy
Then it was day three
And he gave me three French hens
But that wasn’t all
Two more turtledoves
And yet another partridge
With its own pear tree
My true love likes pears
That’s what he said anyway
But I have my doubts
Then came the fourth day
What do you know - ten more birds
So I bought a cage
They made lots of noise
Especially the French hens
I needed ear plugs
I think he felt guilty
So he bought me five gold rings
On day number five
They were so shiny
And they attracted the birds
I lost some of them
And there were more birds
I saw where this was going
Ten more feathered friends
I wish that were all
While my love was generous
It was a bit much
But he wasn’t done
He outdid himself again
When the sixth day dawned
Sitting in the hall
I found six geese a-laying
Their eggs were quite big
Five more rings were there
So that kind of helped a bit
Gold is always good
The cage in the yard
Was getting overcrowded
So I bought a gun
It wasn’t needed
The birds had their own turf war
Those French hens are tough
On the seventh day
I found swans in my back yard
Swimming in my pool
My true love whispered
About swans mating for life
Ain’t it romantic?
He gave me more rings
Did he rob a jewellery shop?
I don’t want to know
With the extra gifts
I now had sixty six birds
Cos three of them died
Things got even worse
On the eighth day of Christmas
I got bloody cows
There were eight bovines
Though some maids were cows as well
They were a-milking
Look on the bright side
I now had free milk and eggs
Why did I feel duped?
Yes there were more swans
And more geese and more gold rings
And more calling birds
And more damn French Hens
Not to mention turtledoves
And a lone partridge
And an eighth pear tree
I gave it to my neighbour
He thought it was great
The next day was wet
Too bad for the nine dancers
I locked them outside
It all went pear shaped
If you will pardon the pun
When I ate a cow
I love my butcher
Possibly more than my man
He made me some steak
It pissed off the maids
The dancers found it funny
There was a cat fight
It was like watching
Mud wrestling in my garden
Except twice as fun
They made quite a mess
There were buckets and feathers
Flying everywhere
Then they called a truce
Until the tenth day arrived
Along with the lords
Now the women fought
Over the lords a-leaping
Pity they were gay
Meanwhile more birds died
Even as more birds arrived
I bought more cages
It was hard to move
Without tripping over birds
And they hogged my bath
I heard the pipers
Well before they got to me
My true love’s next gift
There were eleven
But I already knew that
So predictable
The pipers were loud
I put them in the basement
Along with the hens
The thirty one cows
Were producing lots of milk
But many cow pats
I wanted my love
To fall in the smelly pats
That would be funny
Finally it stopped
On the twelfth day of Christmas
The last presents came
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight prissy maids a-milking
Seven swans swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five giant shiny gold rings
Four loud calling birds
Three snooty French hens
Two tiny cute turtledoves
And one last partridge
One last pear tree too
The total gifts was a lot
I didn’t count them
My house was a mess
But I really didn’t care
I left them to it
Can you imagine
Well over one hundred birds
Roosting everywhere
And all those dancers
And annoying musicians
Making so much din
And now I wonder
At the things my true love thought
When he came over
You see I don’t know
I’d like to say I thanked him
But I ran away
Those rings were worth lots
They paid for my holiday
My true love was sweet
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
My Wedding Speech
When I tied the knot last month, rather than write a traditional wedding speech, I instead opted for a poem. People seemed to like it a lot, so at the request of more than one person, here's how it went:
Picture this: a beautiful sunny day, a gentle breeze in your face;
February '07 was the time; Salamanca was the place.
An establishment called Grape was where I found myself - a place for drinking wine.
There I met a wondrous lass who I thought was pretty fine.
We talked for hours on that day - the time just flew right past;
And when I left I do believe my heart was beating just a little fast.
The next time we met, we did the traditional thing: go to the movies and see
A romantic comedy at Gold Class, marred only by a rude Scottish maitre d'.
But it's the odd little moments - good or bad - that you always remember well;
Like the time Jooles claimed a rat died in her kitchen and caused an awful smell.
So bad, in fact, was the stench through her place that she had to come and stay with me;
Yet when we went back a few days later, her unit was mysteriously odour free.
And then somehow she never went back, and there went my bachelor pad;
My unit started filling up with girly things, yet somehow it wasn't so bad.
Fast forward then to Feb '09: two years since we met, Jooles and I;
And a trip on a boat on a sound in NZ, under a beautiful starry sky.
And a diamond, and a question, and a "yes", followed by a bit of a mad scramble around.
You see someone* had dropped the sparkly thing on the deck, but it was, thankfully, found.
And now she has another ring on her finger, because today she became my wife;
And, completely without hyperbole, it's the happiest day of my life.
* That would be Jooles
Picture this: a beautiful sunny day, a gentle breeze in your face;
February '07 was the time; Salamanca was the place.
An establishment called Grape was where I found myself - a place for drinking wine.
There I met a wondrous lass who I thought was pretty fine.
We talked for hours on that day - the time just flew right past;
And when I left I do believe my heart was beating just a little fast.
The next time we met, we did the traditional thing: go to the movies and see
A romantic comedy at Gold Class, marred only by a rude Scottish maitre d'.
But it's the odd little moments - good or bad - that you always remember well;
Like the time Jooles claimed a rat died in her kitchen and caused an awful smell.
So bad, in fact, was the stench through her place that she had to come and stay with me;
Yet when we went back a few days later, her unit was mysteriously odour free.
And then somehow she never went back, and there went my bachelor pad;
My unit started filling up with girly things, yet somehow it wasn't so bad.
Fast forward then to Feb '09: two years since we met, Jooles and I;
And a trip on a boat on a sound in NZ, under a beautiful starry sky.
And a diamond, and a question, and a "yes", followed by a bit of a mad scramble around.
You see someone
And now she has another ring on her finger, because today she became my wife;
And, completely without hyperbole, it's the happiest day of my life.
* That would be Jooles
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tastes like quail...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Planeting
Planet noun a celestial body...large enough to clear its orbit of all asteroids, comets, and other space debris.
Planet verb become a social outcast at a gathering.
"Boy he really planeted at the barbecue yesterday. Any time he tried to talk to people, they moved away."
q.v. Satellite "We couldn't get rid of Violet - she just satellited all night."
Planet verb become a social outcast at a gathering.
"Boy he really planeted at the barbecue yesterday. Any time he tried to talk to people, they moved away."
q.v. Satellite "We couldn't get rid of Violet - she just satellited all night."
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Fizzy
Someone didn't quite remember the game was called Zombie Fluxx...
Zombie Fizz! The new drink from the makers of Groaner Cola! It has so much fizz, it brings the dead back to life!
Shamble on down to your local store and try Zombie Fizz today! It's cool to be undead!
Zombie Fizz! The new drink from the makers of Groaner Cola! It has so much fizz, it brings the dead back to life!
Shamble on down to your local store and try Zombie Fizz today! It's cool to be undead!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Whip Me
The email discussing which horses we'd drawn in the Melbourne Cup sweep finished with "Well, between us, our 4 four horses should do something right?"
"Just as long as our four horses don't form a Pony Band quartet and stop in the main straight for an impromptu a capella session of their debut single "Whip Me"."
"Just as long as our four horses don't form a Pony Band quartet and stop in the main straight for an impromptu a capella session of their debut single "Whip Me"."
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